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Disclaimer: For those with no sense of humor at all; this is an exercise in extreme sarcasm. There are lots of articles about improving your skills as a developer. Everyone likes to talk about how to strengthen their skills and produce really good software. But, what if you want to be the worst developer ever? Nobody seems to want to share those secrets.
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The bar for entry into CodeSOD is pretty straight forward: professionally-developed code that elicits that certain What The— reaction. Though there have been a few exceptions over the years, generally speaking, student code, hobbyist code, and amateur code need not apply. That said, I'd like to try something a little different today. Today's example is not technically professionally-developed, it's a Stupid Coding Trick.
It’s so fun to share my innermost web development thoughts. Some people get furious about some of my ideas. Luckily I don’t give a damn. Take my thoughts for what they’re worth.
"...While we were on the farm, my grandparents, mother, and I would take two weeks out of the summer to go on family vacations. I can still remember my first trip out of Florida. It was to the state of Florida. My first grade year we went to the grand canyon, my first grade teacher rode down it on a mule. My first grade teacher was Mrs. Maphles. I was the brightest in my class when it came to math and numbers…"
No bananas or coffee beans were harmed in the making of this website. ^ Go back up
Why Bananas and Coffee? It's Healthy! (sort of) According to Luke Mortensen, Professor of Physiology-Pharmacology at Des Moines University
As you can probably see, the Year in Film project went off the rails again in the final few weeks. I blame that last exam, myself, although I doubt I’d have been bothered to go to the cinema nine times in one month anyway. Glancing back at the archives I’m quite disappointed; I didn’t really go out of my way to see anything that was a bit different, and most of what i did see was mediocre, formulaic crap, to be honest. The whole project began as an attempt to try and overcome my apathy towards going to the cinema, and yet if anything I feel even less enthusiastic about it now. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just old and twisted and bitter and see no joy in the dance of flickering celluloid, or for that matter the world. Or maybe it’s the pricing, programs, scheduling, cost/quality of food, comfort, advertising and usual clientele of London cinemas. But really, who cares?
I will be renewing my BFI membership though, which was a great present from the girlfriend, and one I’d wished I’d got more use out of. I’m also considering joining the Ritzy, which I guess is more or less my local cinema, and is also an extremely pleasant place to take in a film. I think I’ll enjoy myself a lot more if I concentrate on seeing stuff I genuinely want to see somewhere I actually don’t mind being rather than places like the Cineworld Trocadero, which is a bit like dying and going to Hell (I imagine).
Now the exams are all over until next year I’m going to puts some thought into redesigning the site too, which I never really look at myself, but quite frankly looks atrocious and reflects a half-baked, unfinished design idea I never really thought through properly about a year and a half ago. I’m thinking of just using an out of the box Wordpress theme this time, as I clearly don’t have the patience or photoshop skillz to come up with a decent one of my own (although I did like the fact a colleague referred to it as “the satan worshiping motherfucker” theme).
Friends have stuff out:
JT is a zombie in Charlie Brooker’s Dead Set which starts next week, and will not stop going on about it.
Paul Holden has an iPhone comic out written by Al Ewing. Their Dead Signal was probably the most gloriously mental strip to run in 2000ad in a long while, and of course they were the team behind the controversy-blightedMurderdrome. I’ve been following this, but haven’t posted anything about it because as we’ve already established up-post, I am shit. I have however mentioned it a bit around the office, which may well be the densest area of iPhone ownership in southern England, so hopefully they’ll have snagged a few sales off the back of that.
By the numbers horror movie that attempts to stand out from the herd by way of a smattering of social comment, as rural teenage chavs hunt townie yuppies through the woods for the weekend. Unfortunately the social comment doesn’t run particularly deep (spoiler: it’s all the parents’ fault) and the plot hinges on stupid decisions and unfortunate coincidences.
Just in case you were wondering, no this wasn’t at Frightfest. I’ve become rather interested in Ralph Vaughan Williams, mainly because the universe keeps conspiring to bring him to my attention - he’s in this month’s Fortean Times too - so when i saw this well-regarded overview of his life and music was playing at the BFI I decided it would be churlish not to go. It’s pretty good too; respectful but also enlightening.
It’s like this: if you saw the trailer, and didn’t see anything objectionable, then you’ll probably like the film, as it really just extends that to 100 minutes. To put it another way, if the idea of Paul W Anderson directing Jason Statham in a remake of a George Romero helmed SF film from the early 1980s doesn’t in any way put you off, then you will probably enjoy this film.
Whilst this was a competently made, well acted piece - which came as something of a relief after the short showcase - I found it a bit directionless and unoriginal. The possibility of a ghost has become the most common horror trope outside of the slasher/survival horror genres, and this really doesn’t do anything new with it. I also thought it wasted the setting - a genuinely haunting inner-city London housing estate. Ultimately disappointing, but certainly not without merit.
This was great which was a shame because it was all downhill from here. Fortunately, it’s on Youtube, so I can share it with you all.
33. The Chest
The most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had in a cinema. And I don’t mean that in some ironic, complimentary way.
34. He Dies at the End
Not bad actually; in parts genuinely creepy.
35. Psycho Hillbilly Cabin Massacre!
This wasn’t too bad either, albeit fairly predictable. It did however have a sense of humour, which goes a long way when you’re only a third of the way through a somewhat dubious-looking programme of shorts, most of which seem to be about torturing women in some way.
36. Homework
All I can really remember about this is it contained some lacklustre CGI animation, and was really dull.
37. Total Fury
There was a funny idea in here somewhere, unfortunately it was kind of lost amongst the misogynistic, torture-obsessed nonsense.
38. Anyone there?
Stylish, but utterly devoid of content.
39. Norman J Warren Presents: Horrorshow
Shorts within a short. I’ll treat this as one entry I guess. I should point out though that on the whole it was fairly crap:
Neon Killer - a reasonable send up of some shlocky 1980s trash horror movie. Probably the best segment.
The Flea - second baby-murder of the day.
The Incursion - contained a crap twist that wouldn’t have flown in a Terror Tale from the 1970s.
The Initiation - contained possibly the worst acting of the lot, which is saying something.
Smile - I quite liked the direction in this one actually, although I’m sure I’m encountered the same twist in some form or another a thousand times.
A no-budget Scottish zombie-apocalypse scenario in which two damaged survivors find themselves holed up on a farm facing the same old threats, both internal and external. Very predictable, and really rather dull.
Undoubtedly the highlight of the Frightfest festival and possibly even the best film of the year so far. A taut, bleak, unsentimental crime thriller with a truly repugnant serial killer antagonist and his unlikely but dogged pursuer. Reminded me a lot of Memories of Murder, and exhibits the same blackly humourous treatment of Korean society and politics.
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
