This is a new project that I am starting, I have gotten so many funny emails over the years and I usually just keep them and/or forward them. Now I am going to post them on this site and just forward the links. If I have time I'll set it up so other people can do the same and we can just have one place to store humorous things but until then, this is it.
People in happily committed relationships may skip this section and go back to knitting scarves and listening to the "Love Actually" soundtrack. Or whatever the hell it is those people do.
So you saw Avatar together, and made out behind that 7-11, but it's really nothing- Oh God, she found your office. And she's carrying flowers, a box of chocolates, and a fuzzy sea otter with your name on it. At least the thank you note you scrawl on a Starbucks napkin will prove you're a quirky slacker who's not looking to get serious, but doesn't want sex completely off the table. It will, right?
You don't really talk per se, but there's definitely an unspoken Jim/Pam thing going on. Luckily, your gift of flowers, chocolates and a plush sea otter with your name on it will finally crack all that seething romantic tension wide open. A few awkward sentences later, you quickly downgrade from "crack tension" to "explain you're not the guy who delivers her mail everyday." You should have kept the damn chocolates.
Damnit, you're the non-committal loner. It takes half the fun out of it when she also feels she could do better. Still, since basic algebra dictates that apathetic sex > zero sex, you let her know (via text message, anyway) that nothing should keep you apart on this special day. ("Nothing" = An above-average 30 Rock, her meeting someone with better abs then you, eating a burrito, forgetfulness, either of you not getting drunk enough to go through with it.)
In addition to enjoying international sucess as a stand-up, Arj Barker appeared on Flight of the Conchords as Brett and Jermaine's American friend Dave. His newest album, LYAO, is currently in stores. For information about shows and to sign up for his mailing list, visit ArjBarker.com.
Your new album is called LYAO (Laugh Your Ass Off), and all the tracks have Internet acronyms for titles. Have you used the Internet to grow your fan base?
I actually didn’t instigate a lot of my Internet presence. The only clip I’ve ever put up is just a video of me trying to teach people how to putt. That only has, like, 4700 views. Nearly every video of me on YouTube I didn’t put up.
So you aren’t constantly blogging or tweeting.
I don’t always have something to say to Twitter. I’d rather say nothing than share something I don’t care about. I’m lazy, too. Sometimes these things are a little like homework after a while. A voice in your head going, “Have you written on your blog today?” But thankfully I think my work does its own self-promotion. I try to just be a good comedian.
Some people should probably just focus on that instead of Twitter.
I would never comment on other comedians, but I definitely think that most of the good things that happen to me came because I worked hard as a comedian as opposed to promoting myself.
How did you become involved with Flight of the Conchords?
I was over in Australia working with those guys. We became friends, and I guess they liked my comedy because they had a show and they really wanted me to be on it. It was quite lucky and fortunate. Television is really the most powerful way for people to remember you and know you. The Internet can be awesome too, obviously, if something goes viral. < />
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!
You're a great roommate, but the facebook pranks got kind of old. Sorry about inserting that line into the middle of your resume declaring your innocence of the crimes for which you served 3 years in state prison, I didn't think anyone would take it seriously. Chris H., Kalamazoo
My roommate this past semester was a hateful, pathetic nuclear engineering major with a three foot long pony tail. She never bathed, shed her nasty hair everywhere, smelled, and went to bed between the hours of 8:30 and 10 pm every day of the week. If I ever got too loud at night, she would always wake up and "tell me to take my activities elsewhere", even if it was only 11. When i didn't comply, she stole my $100 calculator, took my food, broke one of my lamps, and never let me watch TV even if a game was on. All the while she would ignore me and do homework 24/7 unless I did something wrong. By the end of the semester this year, I had had enough. Notice a little trim to your hair? I cut about 6 inches off, but I dunno if you will notice. That's what you get when you leave your Rapunzel ass ponytail hanging off your lofted bed at 11 p.m. when your asleep. Claire Botner, Purdue
My roommate freshman year moved out during our second semester because I didn't say hi to him three times and it was making his life unbearable. Go figure. Tim T., School Not Given
My roommate is the kind of guy that takes steroids and spends every waking minute at the gym and he always has his ipod in and I barely talk to the guy. I always figured he would be listening to something heavy, the screen said ABBA. Andrew T. School Not Given
It's time to focus. As someone who is constantly spitting in the face of the legal system, you need to find away to avoid being apprehended. You know those people that are always chasing after you? They are commonly known as 'police'. Though if you listen to hip-hop music you may know them by one of their many street names such as '5-0', 'po-po', or 'chief executive officer'. People try lots of things to get away from them. Some choose to get in great physical shape and out-run them. Some use the millions of dollars they inherited to build tunnels that create a series of intertwining escape routes leading to their underground lair seven miles outside the city limits of Boston. You don't want to do any of that though. What you are going to do is quite simple: disguise your identity.
Have a custom mask made. If you just toss on a balaclava, you'll look like any old thief. What's the point in disguising yourself if you just end up looking like a criminal? Might as well install Windows on your Mac. What you need is a custom-made mask with the image of your face on it. If police see someone wearing a mask with your face on it, they will assume that the person is someone attempting to be you. After all, are you really stupid enough to hide your face with your own face? Yeah, stupid like a fox.
Lie. Do lots of lying. Lie about absolutely everything. A complete lack of consistency will make you difficult to track down. When you are asked your name, you give a different one every time. When you are asked where you are from, you give a different place every time. Asked if you want freshly-ground pepper on your salad? Say yes, even though you didn't want any. Lie. Lie. Lie.
It's the Monday before Valentine's Day, which means you only have seven days to convince your girlfriend that of course, totally babe, you knew that. Luckily, I'm here with a day-by-day breakdown of what you should be doing.
Reservations, Not Indian: Technically you should already have a restaurant reservation, but I know you don't, so make it today.
Coy Fish: Once you have the reservation, make sure your girlfriend knows it. Coyly confirming that she's 'not doing anything' around 8, 8:30 on Sunday will not only make her giggle, but will reassure her that you're on top of shit. Very barely on top of shit.
The Giver: Start thinking about what you could get your girlfriend as a gift. If it's a good gift, you'll have to make some effort to get it beforehand. And no, on the way to dinner doesn't count as 'beforehand'. I mean, yes, technically it's...ugh, just start thinking about it, come on, it's the easiest part of this whole list.
Chances are you'll host or attend a Super Bowl party on Sunday. And chances also are approximately 97.8-percent of the people in attendance will know absolutely nothing about football. Not a problem! Just pass out copies of this handy Super Bowl cheat sheet, and soon all your guests will be talking football as expertly as any ex-jock (who has suffered multiple concussions).
>>> SOME CONVERSATION TIPS <<<
Don't Question: "Why do we care what Tim Tebow thinks about a complex issue like abortion?-
Instead, Announce: "I guess it really is a shame when something dies before it ever even comes to life…like Tebow's career as a pro quarterback!-
Don't Wager: On the outcome of the game. You can't win. Vegas is too good.
Instead, Bet: On the outcome of the coin flip. People will tell you it's random chance, but heads is a lock this year.
Don't Say: "Why is the Who playing the halftime show? Isn't Pete Townsend a registered sex offender?-
Instead, Announce: "God, I hope this means next year's halftime show will just be a series of short films by Roman Polanski.-
Don't Say: "The Colts' pass defense doesn't look very good." Instead, Jeer: "A cover-two? What is this, 1997?" Don't worry about what this means. Only three or four people in the country know what a cover-two defense really is, and the chances of one of them being at your party are infinitesimally small.
Don't Ask: "Who is winning?- Instead, Look: At the screen and figure it out yourself. It's somewhere on there. No, not that. That's the game clock. And no, over there is little promo thing for a CBS show. And below that are game stats. And above that is just random scribbles on the screen done by an apparently drunk announcer with a telestrator. You know what? Just wait until the end of the game. They'll probably announce the score then.
Don't Say: "I just watch the game for the commercials.- Instead, Say: Nothing! Keep your trap shut! You might talk over the commercials!
Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me at dating.itscomplicated[at]gmail.com!
When I was dating my ex-girlfriend, I took her out to a nice little Italian place on our first date. Not knowing that she was a vegetarian at the time, I ordered the Veal Parmesan. When it came to the table, I got a disgusted look from her and proceeded to take a large bite and say "MHMMM BABY COW!" She didn't really talk to me for the rest of the date. -Anonymous
I one had a girlfriend who, for no logical reason, absolutely refused to put the relationship status up on facebook despite the fact that guys hit on her mercilessly. Her first attempt at a solution was to make it so that her status wasn't up but this did nothing to stop the would-be suitors. Then, instead of adding me as her boyfriend, she put her guy best-friend up as "married". She didn't get why I was so pissed....we broke up a week later. -Anonymous
Me and my girlfriend study IT school. She NEVER saw original Starwars trilogy. I am so embarrassed... -Martin, Czech Republic
In high school, I convinced my girlfriend of the time that the "H" in the name "Jesus H. Christ" stood for "Hoobastank." I further played on this notion by telling her that the band Hoobastank was a Christian rock band. The best part was getting to watch her tell other people this "fact" like she knew something special. -Ted
And what attributes do you feel you will bring to the table as an employee of Happy Burger? I possess extensive experience with fire and brimstone, sir.
Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"
If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are!
When my parents go to the mall, they bring a set of walkie talkies with them so they can "call" each other if they get separated. denise v
My parents recently put in hardwood floors and my dad wanted to send me some pictures so I could see how it was going. In the subject line he simply wrote, "hard wood." I almost deleted because I though it was porn. denise v
I work as an online news producer at a daily newspaper. Shortly after news broke about the death of actress Brittany Murphy, an elderly woman who works here was heard to frantically remark that "Twitter killed Britney Spears!" Tom D.
My dad asked me for some help on a slide presentation that he needs to do for work. He sent me the file so I can take a look at what he's done so far. He wrote the whole presentation on an Excel spreadsheet. Jay C, BCIT
My parents still use Sacagawea dollars. Steve H, Waubonsee
Old people genitalia spotted Steroid use Concern that your balls are shrinking Weights lifted Number of successful encounters with girls you've met at the gym Number of successful hypothetical encounters with girls you've visualized at the gym Horrible, crippling bench-press accidents Embarrassing boners
***Caution: Very Demotivational—though very, very funny—may contain images NSFW (Not Suitable For Work)!***
Ambition. Determination. Perseverance. Very Demotivational embodies all of these attributes (and also a few others like hunger, rage, and sleepiness). Well, not really. It does embody all things funny that are able to be placed on a black background with a few carefully chosen words. Go on; get demotivated. You know you wanna.
We moved to a much better place with lots of space for all my "kids" and Plasty was just waiting for us there, I guess...the others came three months later in September 14. Hopefully they will find..click the link for more
Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, this photo is to remind people to practice breast self exam or enlist the help of a good friend! (These are two rescue animal residents of my Refuge -..click the link for more
Her name is Mishka, she is very smart, cute and playful. On this picture we are in a hotel room in Vancouver, Canada. This was our first vacation together. We enjoy our trip, and we could bond..click the link for more
Shoot and take out all the enemies that come your way. They will be coming quickly with heat seeking missiles. Use your left mouse button to shoot and the A,S,D,W Keys to move. Good Luck!
Get your ship and attack other ships while going from port to port and creating a massive reputation as being one of the toughest. This game is awesome, enjoy.
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