Jokes

Yoda of Borg, I am. Grammar irrelevant is. Assimilated you will be!

Your mama is so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time.

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

"Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure."

"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

Thanksgiving Jokes Would you please help me I bought a 10 pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave? “Just a minute,” the food editor said, as he turned to...

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Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?

He went down to two butts a day.

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank. Just to make sure he leaves...

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"

St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

She gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Absolute zero is cool.

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."

Words That Don’t Exist …But Should   Ramdumbtious - Cross between being rowdy and not too bright. Randumb - A foot chase gone bad. Rawsome - The awesome health benefits of eating raw...

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Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

A: Sparky!

Banking Crisis - Name of your Bank Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something “practical” for her birthday. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” Mother suggested. Cathy...

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The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their...

Why do hipsters have such a hard time with karate?

They cant get past the white belt.

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''

The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.

"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"

"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Famous Jokes A Dinner Blessing….. Ed, was a strictly a ‘meat-and-potatoes’ man. Over the years, he’s learned to like more foods, but there are still two vegetables he...

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A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

To My Bank Dear Sirs, In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is returned marked...

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Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Navajo female wisdom A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides to stop the car and give...

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YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF: Christmas Jokes - Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon. - You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers...

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A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.

She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

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Bereavement A bereaved widow is at her husband’s funeral. “We were married thirty- five years before he died.” She said, dabbing away the tears. “Never had an argument in all...

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SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than...

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Posted today at Funny Jokes Dear Fellow Business Owner Dear Fellow Business Owners: As a business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next...

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Leo In November - Monthly Horoscopes Leo’s Money & Career Horoscope In November For Leo natives, November 2007 marks the beginning of a period in which cooperation and teamwork are more important than individual initiatives and effort, and can lead to more accomplishments. For the last week of November we advise you not to take any risks, no [...]

Aquarius Horoscope 20 Jan - 18 FebSeptember Monthly Horoscope Capricorn Horoscope 22 Dec - 19 JanSeptember Monthly Horoscope Sagittarius Horoscope 22 Nov - 21 DecSeptember Monthly Horoscope Scorpio Horoscope 23 Oct - 21 NovSeptember Monthly Horoscope Pisces Horoscope 19 Feb - 20 MarSeptember Monthly Horoscope Libra Horoscope 23 Sept - 22 OctSeptember Monthly Horoscope Aries Horoscope 21 Mar - 19 AprSeptember Monthly Horoscope Virgo Horoscope 23 Aug - 22 SeptSeptember [...]

Aquarius Horoscope 20 Jan - 18 FebAugust Monthly Horoscope Capricorn Horoscope 22 Dec - 19 JanAugust Monthly Horoscope Sagittarius Horoscope 22 Nov - 21 DecAugust Monthly Horoscope Scorpio Horoscope 23 Oct - 21 NovAugust Monthly Horoscope Pisces Horoscope 19 Feb - 20 MarAugust Monthly Horoscope Libra Horoscope 23 Sept - 22 OctAugust Monthly Horoscope Aries Horoscope 21 Mar - 19 AprAugust Monthly Horoscope Virgo Horoscope 23 Aug - 22 SeptAugust [...]

Aquarius Horoscope 20 Jan - 18 FebJuly Monthly Horoscope Capricorn Horoscope 22 Dec - 19 JanJuly Monthly Horoscope Sagittarius Horoscope 22 Nov - 21 DecJuly Monthly Horoscope Scorpio Horoscope 23 Oct - 21 NovJuly Monthly Horoscope Pisces Horoscope 19 Feb - 20 MarJuly Monthly Horoscope Libra Horoscope 23 Sept - 22 OctJuly Monthly Horoscope Aries Horoscope 21 Mar - 19 AprJuly Monthly Horoscope Virgo Horoscope 23 Aug - 22 SeptJuly [...]

Aquarius Horoscope 20 Jan - 18 Feb June Monthly Horoscope Capricorn Horoscope 22 Dec - 19 Jan June Monthly Horoscope Sagittarius Horoscope 22 Nov - 21 Dec June Monthly Horoscope Scorpio Horoscope 23 Oct - 21 Nov June Monthly Horoscope Pisces Horoscope 19 Feb - 20 Mar June Monthly Horoscope Libra Horoscope 23 Sept - 22 Oct June Monthly Horoscope Aries Horoscope 21 Mar - 19 Apr June Monthly Horoscope Virgo Horoscope 23 Aug - 22 Sept June Monthly Horoscope Taurus Horoscope 20 Apr - 20 May June Monthly Horoscope Gemini Horoscope 21 [...]

Watch these guys who are apparently from Saudi Arabia mock skate down a highway. They are literally hanging out the door of a moving car!

A hilarious episode of "Balls of Steel" where a girl goes around hitting on guys while their girlfriends are with them!

Members of a that Westboro Baptist Church cult are lucky to escape alive after attending the funeral of a soldier who died while serving in Iraq.

There are very few people who can look at Richard Simmons and keep a straight face. The guy is just weird! Once again he proves why....

I've seen some pretty crazy tattoos but this one takes the cake! Who wants an image of a monkey putting its finger in another monkey's butthole etched on their stomach?

The creator of this video is a genius ;). Watch how Michael Richards' comedy club incident is brilliantly mixed into some Seinfeld episodes.

If his looks aren't enough to crack you up, then his answer of "the moustache" near the end will surely get you laughing.

Another funny video by the Chasers guys. This time they decide to test out the whole terrorist screening process at local airports.

A video where some US soldiers in Iraq are engaging in some questionable actions. Is this right or wrong? You be the judge.

A hilarious letter sent to the parents of this teacher's student.

Former heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) steps out of retirement and back into the ring, pitting himself against a new rival decades after his initial glory. When a computer simulated boxing match declares Rocky Balboa the victor over current champion Mason "The Line" Dixon, the legendary fighter's passion and spirit are reignited. But when his desire to fight in small, regional...

In theatres December 22nd, 2006. Visit the official website here: Rocky.com

I can't believe just how clueless some people are. I wonder what rock this caller had just crawled out from under?

Looks like this man's inclined plane idea failed miserably. To make matters worse, the dirt in the wheelbarrow falls all over him as well.

Pay attention to the floor as this woman is straining herself to lift the weight. You'll notice that it gets a little wet ;)

So this guy decides to play a little prank during a job interview. Surprisingly, the interviewer was hardly fazed by such an absurd question.

The thrill of putting your life savings on the roulette table can't be matched by anything else, but it's obviously a dumb thing to do. However it paid off for this guy!

A hilarious piss take on Tequila which claims that it's the ultimate cure for shyness. The side effects are hilarious!

I'm not sure what exactly is in this salad, but I definitely didn't see any "penis" in there as the lady claims ;)

The captain of this ship must have been snoozing off or something. Watch this ship fall apart as it attempts to pass under a bridge that's obviously too low.

An officer pulls over a drunk driver and forces him to take a sobriety test. As you can see in the video, he failed miserably!

Here is another Parkour (free running) video created by two guys from Quebec. This "art" has gained popularity from the running scene in the new Bond movie.

Well I guess it was only a matter of time until something like this came out ;)

The master of head spinning right here! If his head was any pointier he'd probably drill himself to the other end of Earth ;)

A Fox News reporter is fed up with all the drunk Ohio State fans and decides to bodycheck the next person who steps out of line, which happened to be a girl.

This video definitely isn't for the faint heart! Check out the size of the hole in this old man's head. Unbelievable, I wonder what happened to him?

Soccer superstar Ronaldinho has produced what will go down as one of the greatest goals in soccer history this weekend. What a talent!

These before and after photos truly show the magic of makeup. The next time you see a beautiful cover girl, just ask yourself what may lie beneath ;)

The newest couple in America seems to be Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Both were spotted partying at Paris Hilton's house the night before thanksgivingbut the real news is the bisexual news.

Apparently Britney Spears is bisexual according to Kevin Federline's comments...

"She told me all the time, yo, about how she dug women as much as she dug men. She was always wantin' me to hook her up with another bitch so we could all get busy together."

The claim is coming from Pugbus.net and it is extremely hard to verify the quotes of Kevin Federline at this moment. Either way, this is breaking news in the Celebrity scene and Jokeroo is here to report it.

The title says it all! There's really nothing else I'd like to add other than what the group of soldiers are doing in this video is just plain wrong!

This guy samples himself hitting his drums like an amateur, but then does a great job sequencing the samples into a sweet video.

Watch this double jointed kid maneuver himself into positions I never thought were possible. This guy can literally tie himself up into a knot!

Watch this cutie down a Praying Mantis without much hesitation. Wow, looks can definitely be deceiving!

Meet the man who can bowl backwards! The fact that he bowls backwards isn't that big of a deal, but he actually throws perfect strikes!

Watch this hilarious prank where a man walks around town sporting a (fake) giant boner that's visible by everyone!

Something tells me that Michael Richards was watching this Bill Hicks video before his latest outburst ;)

A guy dresses up as a modern day Robin Hood in Manhattan and starts handing out money. People just don't understand the concept of free money ;)

Here is a simple trick that anybody can do. All it requires is a cup of water, some pepper, and the magic ingredient... dish washing liquid ;)

It has been a while since we've done a game update, but here's one for all of you Prison Break fans.

The giant Yao Ming has been stuffed by Nate Robinson who stands only 5'9. Incase you don't know, Yao is over seven feet tall. What an embarrassment!

This guy is totally pissed at how Mormons bother people at their homes by trying to convert them, so he decides it's time for some payback ;)

A lady waiting for a parking spot just can't handle someone else stealing it from her. As a result she tries to bulldoze the other car out of the spot.

A crazy driver smashes into a parked ambulance. I wonder how he mentioned to do that? The officer was lucky to get out of the way.

Kramer's racist outburst caught on tape! What a terrible thing to do, especially since the new Seinfeld DVD has been recently launched.

Okay the Michael Jackson jokes might be getting a little old by now, but we think you'll have a good laugh at this one ;)

Here's a hilarious video someone made which makes it look as if Donald Rumsfeld is doing all sorts of funny things while speaking with the media.

Certain strings in typed in notepad such as "bush hid the facts" appears all mangled up when saved. Glitch or conspiracy? ;)

Apparently this religious guy has found some anti-Christian lyrics in a Jay-Z track.

Here's a video of Frank Caliendo doing his famous impression on the David Letterman show.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are finally husband and wife. The two scientologists had what was known as a fairy tale wedding in Italy. Many of the guests who showed up include, Will Smith, Jim Carrey, David Beckham, Jennifer Lopez and many more. Enjoy all the photos...

While people are practically killing each other in lines to get the new PS3, these guys decide to smash one to pieces in public!