This is a new project that I am starting, I have gotten so many funny emails over the years and I usually just keep them and/or forward them. Now I am going to post them on this site and just forward the links. If I have time I'll set it up so other people can do the same and we can just have one place to store humorous things but until then, this is it.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
A man wakes up hard out of a deep sleep and, nudges his wife awake and asks: "Why don't we play it on, eh?"
She replies: "I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks: "But you don't have any a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immedeatly falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.
The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"
Your goal is to reach the next factory in order to progress, collect the goods from each factory and see if you can get them to the next factory, meeting the demands. From boxes, to logs, to tires, to basketballs, your journey is only just beginning. Use arrow keys to move, space-bar to boost, mouse to control the crane.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators ...
Aries Horoscope 21 Mar – 19 Apr General Horoscope Daily Horoscope September Monthly Horoscope 2010 Horoscope Taurus Horoscope 20 Apr – 20 May General Horoscope Daily Horoscope September Monthly Horoscope* 2010 Horoscope Gemini Horoscope 21 May – 20 Jun General Horoscope Daily Horoscope September Monthly Horoscope* 2010 Horoscope Cancer Horoscope 21 Jun – 22 Jul [...]
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Priyanka Chopra in Khatron Ke Khiladi 3 from 6th Sept Two prime time TV shows axed to make way for the show Starting next week, Khatron Ke Khiladi Tiguna (KKK 3) will displace two prime dailies on Colors. Bairi Piya produced by Ekta Kapoor for the 8.30pm-slot and Yeh Pyaar Na Hoga Kam produced by [...]
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The thirteen male contestants of Khatron Ke Khiladi Season 3 as under. Terence Lewis : Choreographer Rahul Bose : Actor Rahul Dev : Actor, TV Artist Cyrus Broacha : TV Host Milland Soman : Model, Actor Manjot Singh : Actor (Oye Lucky Lucky Oye fame) Abhishek Kapoor : Bollywood Director (Rock On fame) Shabbir Ahluwallia [...]
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: Lisa did an offensive joke earlier about Roger Ebert. His face is like that because he has jaw cancer. What's your excuse?
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: They say women's bodies are like a wonderland -- yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.
I'm from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, 'Hey, where'd you grow up?' I'm like, 'Long Island.' And he's like, 'Loser.' Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. I'm like, 'I've seen the ocean. Game over.'
She says, 'The way you're acting is the reason Europeans hate Americans.' And this is what I said -- true story -- 'Do you know where you are right now? Because you're in McDonald's. This is American soil. You might as well be at the f**king embassy. You might as well be at the embassy, sweetheart, 'cause nobody tells me how to act in McDonald's.'
Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. I've never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They're not condoms.
She's got one of those crazy, kind of overly spiked mom-dos. Like her hair keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her. She looks insane. She looks a lot like Vanilla Ice at this point. Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.
When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'
I don't like cell phones. I'm never sending another text message as long as I live because I don't like a phone that tries to predict the words I'm trying to send to people. 'Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, 'Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day.' But I meant to text, 'You should get tested.'
Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'Dude, I'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? Go f**k yourself. I'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'
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This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.
Frankly, I could not f**king believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.
It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'
Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.
4th of July Jokes Funny Jokes – 4th of July JokesHow is a healthy person like the United States? They both have good constitutions! What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country? Beneduck...
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Gerald Ford Funny Jokes
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer Funny Quotes World
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill...
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 B.C.) Quotes World
L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, 'Rained all day, didn't help the drought. Back to you, Tom.' I got news for you, folks. If water doesn't solve your drought, you're screwed.
If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'
Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- she's not clapping!'
You'll always feel good about your body when you go there -- no matter what your body is -- because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.
A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That's the weirdest thing. I was like, 'Four grapes...' To me grapes aren't even a food. They're like a palate cleanser. That's what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, 'I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife.' And I was thinking, 'I'm not doing that. I'm definitely not doing it.' But I thought, why just say, 'No! The hell with you!' and get fired? That's boring. Instead I said to him, 'Yeah, OK. I'll do it.' Then, I didn't do it, and he came up to me later: 'Did you scrape the gum off the tables?' I was like, 'Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure.' And later, he comes up, he goes, 'You didn't scrape the gum off the tables?' I'm like, 'Ah! No. Damn.' 'Are you gonna do it?' 'Yeah, of course I'm gonna do it.' Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.
I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he's hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, 'If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?' And I was like, 'Anywhere?' He was like, 'Anywhere.' I was like, 'Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.'
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'If animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' Come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'If vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.
If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: 'Hey guess what today is? Give me a kiss.'
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome -- that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
I like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together -- you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
You know the only time racism is really good for black people? Terrorism. Terrorism -- never take black hostages. You know it's true. You know why they don't take black hostages, don't you? 'Cause we're bad bargaining chips. They call the White House, 'Hello! We have got five black people, and we will kill them, too! Hello? Hello?'
I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'
Porn e-mailers: if you're out there -- I know there's eight of you here -- please spell check your porn emails before you spam me. I know that I'm going to get porn emails forever -- I'm OK with that -- but just spell check them because I'm super OCD and I'll read something until it makes sense. And I don't want to waste 15 minutes going, 'Why does a Mexicorn duke want to slow-bur on my pens?'
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
You spend like a $100 grand in tuition, and you think you're done with them. Then for the rest of your life, they're calling up asking for money. No one else does that. If I see a movie, I don't get a call from the theater, like, 'We're buying a new projector, can you kick in a few bucks? We're calling all the "Spiderman II" alumni.'
I don't just write jokes. You know what I'm best at? Greeting cards. I'm a really good greeting card writer. And I'm going to prove it with a little sample of my work I'm going to share for you: 'As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. I've been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father's Day'
I hate this occasion because I can never find the right card because they're all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it -- draw a little picture of myself hanging there.
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.
Let me ask you this rhetorically -- which means don't answer me when I ask it: would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called 'crackle'?
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey -- why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
My favorite on that show was Jerry Orbach. I loved him. Yeah -- he was the best because he always had a funny little one-liner when they found the dead body. They found a teacher lying dead in an alley, and Orbach would be like, 'Huh, looks like school's out.' I always wanted to see an episode where he couldn't think of a clever one -- where they find a guy dead with a Mars Bar in his hand, and Orbach's like, 'Huh, looks like, uh, he won't be going to Mars anytime soon. Get it -- Mars Bar? Ah, screw you guys. Nine times out of 10, they're funny.'
I'm a little upset with the athletes today. People holding out, baseball players using steroids -- what the hell is that? Using steroids, man, that ain't nothing like the old school. Remember the old school guys? These guys were men. Babe Ruth hit over 700 home runs after, like, banging hookers all night.
In the middle of the game, he jumps up. He starts screaming at the top his lungs, he's like, '80,000 people! 80,000 people!' I go, 'Papa, what's wrong?' He goes '80,000 -- and that bird had to sh*t on me.'
My mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, 'You're going to college.'
There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.
I love going to church; every Sunday, I'm there. The only thing I don't like about it is those priests sure do like to talk, don't they? Oh, they love to talk and talk, but they don't like it when you talk in church, do they? Oh no, they don't like that action. Like last Sunday, I'm in church, priest is blabbing away. There's just a little tiny quiet spot in the middle of his sermon, just a little, little tiny quiet spot. I stood up in the middle of the church, and all I said was, 'Hey! I smell ass!'
2008 scandalz.net
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
(1) Be content with what you've got.
(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
