This is a new project that I am starting, I have gotten so many funny emails over the years and I usually just keep them and/or forward them. Now I am going to post them on this site and just forward the links. If I have time I'll set it up so other people can do the same and we can just have one place to store humorous things but until then, this is it.
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful and offered the kids their wish.
The first kid said, "I would like to go to Disneyland."
George said: "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One!"
The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said: "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
George is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says: "I will be immediately, after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"
The Grandmother was looking at a picture her six year old granddaughter had drawn of a fat cat. She asked the granddaughter what kind it was. She looked up and said...
Santa and Banta are driving down the road and get pulled over by the police. The cop gets out and knocks on the window. When they open the window, the police officer says...
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you...
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for...
Female newscaster, "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?" Mr. Jones, "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting...
The Italian says, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for...
The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young blonde. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist asked a series of questions to determine if she was emotionally suitable...
EPISODE 1 – 1st April 2012 Video Part 1 : Video Part 2 : Video Part 3 : Video Part 4 : Video Part 5 Video Part 6 : Video Part 7 : Video Part 8 : Video Part 9 : Video Part 10 ================================================== SPLITSVILLA 4 THEME SONGS by AGNEE ==================================================
Remember when you were a kid and they told you you shouldn't drink? 'Well you really shouldn't drink; it won't solve all your problems. You're just going to forget about them for a little while.' Alright, line 'em up. Sounds good to me. It's better than thinking about this all the time.
This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.
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Show :Bigg Boss 5Channels : Colors TV Host : Salman Khan, Sanjay Dutt Date : 2nd October 2011 Contestants: (click to know more about contestants) Shakti Kapoor Pooja Bedi Shonali Nagrani Nihita Biswas (wife of Charles Sobhraj) Shradha Sharma (Girlfriend of Raja Chaudhary) Mandeep Bevli Raageshwari Vida Samadzai Mahek Chahal Expand The Post to View the Videos…. [...]
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You've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... Shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?
A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like I'd try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just be like, 'Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.'
Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day... because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even have to look at you for long. They'll just be like, 'Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look at that high waisted man. He got feminine hips.' And I'm like, 'No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about.'
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'
I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club. She said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.' I was like, 'How great is that? I guess I'll just tell my friends to come over here.'
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.
Aries Horoscope 21 Mar – 19 Apr General Horoscope Daily Horoscope September Monthly Horoscope 2010 Horoscope Taurus Horoscope 20 Apr – 20 May General Horoscope Daily Horoscope September Monthly Horoscope* 2010 Horoscope Gemini Horoscope 21 May – 20 Jun General Horoscope Daily Horoscope September Monthly Horoscope* 2010 Horoscope Cancer Horoscope 21 Jun – 22 Jul [...]
“Khatron Ke Khiladi 3″ Download Free Torrent and Rapidshare Links High Quality Episode Online Video Episode Photos and Unseen Images News and Gossips and much more on http://fearfactor.xaapa.com/
The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?'
Why would they know the end of the world? They didn't have any pants. Did you know that? They didn't have the invention of pants. You think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? They just made a lot of calendars and they never said it's the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.
The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if it's long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.
He's like, 'Hey, man, where are you from?' So I told him, 'I'm from Queens, New York.' And then he's like, 'No, I mean where are you really from?' Which, for those of you who don't know, that's code for, 'No, I mean, why aren't you white?'
I feel bad for people who've never been addicted to anything. Cause they're the real losers. You wanna know why? Cause they don't know what it's like to really want something. And get it. Again and again and again, until they're sick and have to stop. That's passion.
4th of July Jokes Funny Jokes – 4th of July JokesHow is a healthy person like the United States? They both have good constitutions! What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country? Beneduck...
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Gerald Ford Funny Jokes
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer Funny Quotes World
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill...
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes – Government Quotes Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 B.C.) Quotes World
My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this up. He goes, 'You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?' 'No, I didn't know that.' He goes, 'It's no big deal; it doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.'
You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial -- as in not important. Trivial -- as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
I like to do crafts. I work with glitter quite a bit. Don't worry, I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever 'cause glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
My sister's a personal trainer. That's a tough job. I don't think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. 'Can you help me define my abs?' 'Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.'
If something is inherently funny, it's relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
I know tap water. I grew up drinking it, I did. My mother wouldn't buy anything else. But she tried to make tap water sound delicious. She called it 'city punch.'
It goes: Christmas, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's -- boom! there's Valentine's Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine's Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?
I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she's like, 'Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.' And I just wanted to say to her, 'You know, I bet your comments are better televised.'
My girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. So, they told me I had to pitch in for a male stripper. I said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' I mean, you think about it -- women? We really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really -- we spend most of our time trying not to see that.
Wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'Oh baby, I'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'Oh my God, don't stop 'til I'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'
I guarantee, you're gonna have to get out of your house. I know it's your house and you bought it, but what you don't realize is that's her house, and she's basically letting you live there while things are going OK.
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.
Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'
We had our first two years ago -- on New Year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.
2008 scandalz.net
Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
