This is a new project that I am starting, I have gotten so many funny emails over the years and I usually just keep them and/or forward them. Now I am going to post them on this site and just forward the links. If I have time I'll set it up so other people can do the same and we can just have one place to store humorous things but until then, this is it.
Thanksgiving Jokes
Would you please help me I bought a 10 pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?
“Just a minute,” the food editor said, as he turned to...
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.
Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."
Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"
St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."
With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.
A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.
Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.
She gets the same punishment as the first lady.
The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.
Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"
And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."
Words That Don’t Exist
…But Should
Ramdumbtious - Cross between being rowdy and not too bright.
Randumb - A foot chase gone bad.
Rawsome - The awesome health benefits of eating raw...
Banking Crisis - Name of your Bank
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something “practical” for her birthday.
“Suppose we open a savings account for you?” Mother suggested. Cathy...
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their...
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.
"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."
Famous Jokes
A Dinner Blessing…..
Ed, was a strictly a ‘meat-and-potatoes’ man. Over the years, he’s learned to like more foods, but there are still two vegetables he...
To My Bank
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is returned marked...
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Navajo female wisdom
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern
Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides
to stop the car and give...
YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:
Christmas Jokes
- Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
- You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers...
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Bereavement
A bereaved widow is at her husband’s funeral. “We were married thirty- five years before he died.” She said, dabbing away the tears. “Never had an argument in all...
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than...
Posted today at Funny Jokes
Dear Fellow Business Owner
Dear Fellow Business Owners:
As a business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next...
Leo In November - Monthly Horoscopes
Leo’s Money & Career Horoscope In November
For Leo natives, November 2007 marks the beginning of a period in which cooperation and teamwork are more important than individual initiatives and effort, and can lead to more accomplishments.
For the last week of November we advise you not to take any risks, no [...]
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20 Jan - 18 Feb
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22 Dec - 19 Jan
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23 Oct - 21 Nov
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19 Feb - 20 Mar
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23 Sept - 22 Oct
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21 Mar - 19 Apr
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23 Aug - 22 Sept
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20 Apr - 20 May
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I've seen some pretty crazy tattoos but this one takes the cake! Who wants an image of a monkey putting its finger in another monkey's butthole etched on their stomach?
Former heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) steps out of retirement and back into the ring, pitting himself against a new rival decades after his initial glory. When a computer simulated boxing match declares Rocky Balboa the victor over current champion Mason "The Line" Dixon, the legendary fighter's passion and spirit are reignited. But when his desire to fight in small, regional...
In theatres December 22nd, 2006. Visit the official website here: Rocky.com
The thrill of putting your life savings on the roulette table can't be matched by anything else, but it's obviously a dumb thing to do. However it paid off for this guy!
The captain of this ship must have been snoozing off or something. Watch this ship fall apart as it attempts to pass under a bridge that's obviously too low.
Here is another Parkour (free running) video created by two guys from Quebec. This "art" has gained popularity from the running scene in the new Bond movie.
A Fox News reporter is fed up with all the drunk Ohio State fans and decides to bodycheck the next person who steps out of line, which happened to be a girl.
The newest couple in America seems to be Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Both were spotted partying at Paris Hilton's house the night before thanksgivingbut the real news is the bisexual news.
Apparently Britney Spears is bisexual according to Kevin Federline's comments...
"She told me all the time, yo, about how she dug women as much as she dug men. She was always wantin' me to hook her up with another bitch so we could all get busy together."
The claim is coming from Pugbus.net and it is extremely hard to verify the quotes of Kevin Federline at this moment. Either way, this is breaking news in the Celebrity scene and Jokeroo is here to report it.
A lady waiting for a parking spot just can't handle someone else stealing it from her. As a result she tries to bulldoze the other car out of the spot.
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are finally husband and wife. The two scientologists had what was known as a fairy tale wedding in Italy. Many of the guests who showed up include, Will Smith, Jim Carrey, David Beckham, Jennifer Lopez and many more. Enjoy all the photos...