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HOW TO POOP AT WORK...We've all been there but don't
Like to admit it. As much as we try to convince
Ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
Those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
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CROP DUSTING:
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When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
The smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a
Whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful
When you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
Been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
Smell has left your pants.
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FLY BY:
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This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
Pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
Are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you
Constantly going into the bathroom.
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ESCAPEE:
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This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.
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JAILBREAK:
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When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
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COURTESY FLUSH:
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The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the
poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
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WALK OF SHAME:
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Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
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OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
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This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.
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THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
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A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
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SAFE HAVENS:
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A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
the building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
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TURD BURGLAR:
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This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
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CAMO-COUGH:
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A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
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ASTAIRE:
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An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglar that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
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WATERMELON:
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A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
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HAVANA OMELET:
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A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
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UNCLE TODD:
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An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as other bathroom attendees
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